How to bag your own groceries

Sadly, stores are short-handed these days, and they want you to use the “self checkout”- Although there is usually 2,3 or even 4 scanners, and some store employee who drew the short straw, and has to help when your merchandise has no UPC code, your card won’t scan, or if you are just befuddled. Mainly, that employee is there to watch for shoplifters, and to snap the rubber band on your mask if you get out of line.

Bagging groceries is mostly common sense;

  • Heavy stuff like cans and bottles on the bottom. You will probably be using a fabric or plastic bag, so balance is key.
  • Put stuff you want to hide in the middle, like Soap Opera Digest, feminine hygiene products (especially if you are a guy) and condoms.
  • The top is for small and/or light stuff, like Cheetos and Tomatoes (I have a recipe that uses both)
  • If you bought French bread, or celery, at least six inches must protrude from the bag.
  • You don’t have to put everything in one or two bags. They don’t care if you use lots of bags, go ahead and kill a few seabirds.
  • If you bought raw meat (gross!) wrap it in extra plastic bags, to keep the nasty animal juices from leaking out and making the pages of your Soap Opera Digest stick together.
  • Put eggs in their own bag. If you don’t, the yolk’s on you.
Woman using the self-checkout
Edna wears gloves when using that filthy, nasty screen.


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